Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Fear sucks.

So here I am, 8:47am on a Wednesday morning.

At work. Been here for an hour already. People are calling this phone line already, too. It's not even 9am.

This is the last day I have to work this crazy schedule, so for the next 10 hours, I'm going to try to hold onto that fact.

People work too hard. We are told that money and possessions will make us happy, and in order to bring that money in, sometimes we have to devote much more than an 8 hour day to our jobs. Even that simple 8 hour day can make it difficult or impossible to accomplish the daily goals we set for ourselves (gym, enrichment, spending time with family and friends). We feel the pressure from our bosses to keep going, as they feel pressure from theirs, and they feel pressure from the shareholders, blah blah blah.

Meanwhile, the hours are passing us by, and suddenly it's New Year's Eve, and we are forced to ruminate on what we accomplished this year...

The last few years, I've had to admit, I didn't accomplish much of note.

I mean, great things happened to me. TO me. I didn't really have much to do with meeting my future husband, or finding a spiritual home. These were all results of chance encounters, perhaps divine fate. And while I'm endlessly grateful that I was gifted these things, I'm aching to MAKE something happen.

I've been spending the last 7 or so years since I graduated working for paychecks, and I justified that by thinking that financial security was more important to me than the other kids I went to school with. My parents weren't able to fully bankroll my life (although they have helped me immeasurably), so I couldn't be frivolous and audition for everything. I had to work.

And it's not like that wasn't true, and I didn't have a responsibility to take care of myself. I just wish I hadn't been so AFRAID.

All that talk about supporting myself and paychecks was a cover for fear. Fear I wouldn't make it. Fear I would end up failing and having to admit defeat and head back to Arizona. Fear I wasn't cut out to live in New York City.

It's taken 7 years, but I'm finally done letting that fear keep me from true happiness. I'm certainly not done being afraid, but I'm done with allowing that fear to speak for me.

So... here I am at work. It's 9:04am now. The minutes are marching forward, but I'm not scared I'm wasting them. I have a plan.

I have a project.

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